Through the Eyes of a Vagrant

I will refer to “a person who does not look like a Japanese person” as a gaijin for the remainder of this post to make things simpler.

1. Do not greet a gaijin you don’t know in English

   How do you know that their native language is English? What if they came from another country that does not speak English, such as France, or Russia?

   I knew another teacher in Hokkaido who was from Quebec. Sure, in Canada we speak both English and French, but in Quebec they mainly speak French. That teacher came to Japan to teach English, and get paid for it. Not to converse with you on the street in it for free. She used to get so pissed when people used to ask her questions in English when she wasn’t on the clock. And rightfully so.

   This would be the equivalent of me saying “Ni hao!!” in shitty Mandarin to an Asian person in Canada. You don’t do it. If they were Korean, for example, you would get the nastiest glare.

   If by chance you are burning to speak to a gaijin you don’t know in English, the best way to do it is to ask them first in Japanese if they speak English. If they tell you they do, then by all means have at it. Otherwise, stick to Japanese.

2. Don’t try to converse with a gaijin in English if the only phrases you know are “Harro,” “Nice to meet you,” or “Good bye.”

   I get a lot of people, mainly punk-ass kids, who to try and impress their friends shout out in the shittiest English possible, “Harro!” If by chance you respond to them they give you the “Eigo waka~nai!! Hahahaha” (I don’t understand English). Yeah, real funny you little prick. I was trying to be nice. I’ve stopped responding to those kids now. If you can’t read the meaningless English on your shirt, don’t even try.

   Sometimes I get “One more?” several times if I end up having to converse with a person in English who doesn’t speak it. You are wasting my time. And furthermore, it’s “Once more?” or “One more time, please?” you dimwit!

3. If a gaijin is living in Japan, and you don’t know them, and they ask you a question in Japanese, don’t respond back in English.

   I get this all the time. Especially in restaurants. You order something in Japanese, and they respond with something in English, which is usually a set phrase in most cases. I’m not teaching you English right now, and I live in Japan. I’m not being paid to converse with you. I’m just trying to have a nice sandwich and you are ruining my meal.

   I make it a fact to always respond to a person in the language they asked me the question in. If you don’t understand the question or don’t want to respond, then just say, “I don’t know” in whatever language you natively speak. The other person will understand.

   This is different however between friends or coworkers. If you know each other, and you know the level of each other’s language abilities, you can use and respond in whatever language you think that phrase would be easiest to express yourself in. You can even use both languages in the same sentence if you want.

4. If a gaijin enters your store, room, restaurant, castle, rice field, etc., treat them the same way you would if a Japanese person did.

   Don’t comment on a gaijin’s ability to use chopsticks. You wouldn’t tell a Japanese person that they can use chopsticks well. Don’t do it to a gaijin. It’s basically the equivalent of telling someone that they are good at tying their shoes.

   If there is a foreigner on the train, don’t stare at them. If you are going to stare at least say “Hi.” That shit is creepy.

   Don’t call a person by their first name, or without –san added to the end if you are speaking with them in Japanese unless they have allowed you to do so. You would only do that with people who are in your in group in Japanese, don’t do it to some you have just met. Just because it’s ok in that stupid McDonald’s ad to call the goofy gaijin Mr. James, doesn’t make it right for other gaijin. It’s humiliating.

5. Don’t assume that a gaijin is from America

   Many times my friend and I are asked, “So how is America?” upon meeting someone for the first time. How should I know? To be fair, most Japanese people are much better with this one than the above points. Most of them ask me in Japanese, “What country do you come from?” before asking me silly questions about a country I know little to nothing about.

   It’s also a pretty big insult because you then take on the image of a country with a mixed reputation in Japan. I’ve been asked many times already, “How many guns do you have?” I didn’t nuke your country, I didn’t bomb the crap out of the Middle East, and my country’s obesity rate is not 30% (although it’s not much lower). I don’t want to be associated with that.

6. Don’t treat them like aliens

   Don’t touch a gaijin’s balls, hair, facial hair, stomach, ass, tits, etc. unless you ask for permission first. You might think I’m kidding about this one, but the sad part is, I’m not.

   A friend of mine has blonde hair and when she was in Japan she would get a lot of feelers – people who would just come up and touch her hair to see what it was like. I’ve had more Japanese school boys grab my balls than I would like to remember.

A lot of these things happen at the same time and are not mutually exclusive. For instance, I often have people respond to my questions in Japanese with English, when they don’t know English.

Gaijin living in Japan or have lived in Japan: if you have any others to add to this, please add a comment after this post.